It’s another month, and another Concerned Bloggers topic. This month it’s Suicide Awareness. It’s not a light hearted topic and instead of weighing you down with facts or general advice (which you can find here – this website does a much better job: http://www.save.org/) I’ll give you a bit of a story of my own struggle with it.
The stuff below could be potential trigger warnings so please proceed with that in mind.
Ever since I can remember I’ve been dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide. There was that time in the Six Grade where I ate a bunch of things in my grandmothers medicine cabinet thinking that’s all it would take but luckily most of the things were vitamin and aspirin. In my teens and some of my twenties there was cutting, and other self harm things, which graduated to my first really serious attempt in December of 2005.
Things piled up on me one day in ways that I can look back and think are stupid now. It was really snowy that day and there were many reasons piling up on me that led me to that point but I remember not feeling like myself that day and I got up and packed a backpack not sure of where I was going to go and I rode the bus around not wanting to go home.
I stopped at a store and bought some Vodka and razor blades and I went and rented a hotel room with a large Jacuzzi.. only I had planned on using that room as my way to escape my life. I started to get drunk, really really drunk and I ran the water in this large tub and well my phone rang.. and it was my mom.
It freaked me out that she would call at that moment and I don’t remember what I said to her but she kept calling me and I didn’t know it but she called my friends and so I turned off my phone and got in the tub and started the cutting when I heard my friends banging down the door saying that they were going to get the cops if I didn’t open up, so after awhile I let them in.
They were obviously upset but thankful that I was alive and well after that they took me to the hospital where I spent the week before Christmas trying to get better. When I got out I didn’t feel any better but I was thankful for my friends and I made a few attempts to try and turn things around but It took two more attempts and being in the hospital two more times before it did.
Now I’m medicated for my depression and going to see a psychiatrist and therapist regularly and for the most part there is no wish to harm myself. I realize for the most part I was looking for someone else s attention, only I didn’t use my voice and say “Hey I need you, come over”
If you ever feel like you need to hurt yourself tell someone. If you don’t have anyone to tell – IM me in world if you want to talk about any of this – I wont judge you and I can keep a secret.
Point is if you feel this way, tell someone. The most recent attempt that I made was almost four years ago and it could have been fatal, I almost didn’t get a second chance, but seriously each moment with people that you love is a gift, and I am a survivor of myself for everything that I’ve put myself through.
It’s a new year, make it count.